My computer has been down so I have been unable to post about, well, anything, not even one of my best weekends ever and for what is probably going to end of being the best weekend of the year. So back we go to Saturday.

Saturday mornings are always great for me since I started taking an improv class at Second City. And what made this Saturday even more special is that we would be performing in a show on Sunday at Second City so everybody was really excited about the show. After class we went out to lunch and while I was there I got a call from my friend Dave about doing our annual tradition of going to bet on the Kentucky Derby. I was a little bit pressed for time though; I had to go from Chicago, back home, get my friend and then go to the OTB in Joliet. Post time for the Derby was about 5:20ish and by the time we got to the packed OTB, it was about 4:40.

After placing our bets, we hung out for a bit until the race. My bet (which would mean nothing to you if you don’t know horse racing) was an exacta box of the 4 and 16 horses, one of them was the favorite Orb and the other was a 35-1 long shot. Early on the in the race I could see my horses were not going to finish so I started rooting for Dave’s horse. Just after the race ended though I saw that the finish was 4 and 16 and I was thinking I would win like $50. We were standing next to a ticket machine and I put my ticket in but it came back out and it said I needed to see an IRS window. So I waited in line and the lady took my ticket put it in the machine and literally threw it back at me and said “you have to see the IRS window. Jim, we have another IRS winner.” After waiting 15 minutes in that other line, I discovered that I won $957!

Sunday night at 6 was the show. I got my friend Don to drive me so that meant I could drink after the show. I already told my classmates that I would buy the first round after the show. We met up at a local bar about 3 o’clock to hang out and grab a bite. As the show drew nearer, I got more excited. The show only wound up being about 25 minutes and although it was still fun, it was not as good as our last show. Afterwards though, I had a great time, throwing money around and buying drinks and food like it was nothing. I bought $48 of drinks at the one bar and tipped the bartender $22 and didn’t care. I think I wound up spending something like $200 that night which is totally not like me and way out of character as usually I’m a total tight ass. But, why not live it up a little, hell I just performed at Second City and had won nearly a grand the night before.

Because I was planning on a late night on Sunday, I had taken the day off work Monday and to make matters even better, I won like $75 on scratch offs.

I have long been a fan of the word fuck and all of it’s various uses. I really love all swear words like asshole and cocksucker and even damn. And I’m a  huge fan of rants and people freaking out. People say the funniest things when they are pissed off, it’s great. And there is about no place better to find a massive rant or freak out than sports. Every now and then you get gems like the Jim Mora freak out in which he is famously saying “playoffs? Don’t talk to me about playoffs!” or the legendary freak out with former Arizona Cardinals head coach Dennis Green ranting about a loss to the Chicago Bears. But my all time great freak out then former Cubs manager Lee Elia’s 1983 profanity laced rant mostly against the Cub fans. Elia used the f-word some 37 times in the three minute rant but he was not limited to fuck, he used all sorts of words. You don’t need to be a baseball fan to fully appreciate this rant, which this past week celebrated it’s 30th anniversary. I remember hearing the censored version probably for the first time when I was about 12 but fortunately we have the internets which allows people to upload the uncensored version which you can hear by clicking on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uv23pqH9iG0

Oh freak outs. How fun!

Now I’m going to talk out of my ass here with this issue and by all means I do not have all the facts. But, here I go anyways. Have you all heard about the five year old boy in Kentucky who accidentally shot and killed his two year old sister? Turns out the parents gave him a gun for his birthday. Yes that’s right, they gave a five year old a real gun for his birthday. Okay, I make no secrets about it, I’m strongly for gun reform. But, although giving a five year old a gun as a birthday gift is probably not the best idea, that is not the biggest issue here. The biggest issue is what the fuck type of idiot parent gives the kid a loaded fucking gun? Shit even if they didn’t give the kid the loaded gun, how do they allow for the kid to get his hands on a loaded gun or to get the bullets for the gun?

Now I’m sure the parents are grief stricken over this whole thing. Honestly you have to feel for them; a dead child is tragic regardless of the situation. That being said, the parents should probably be charged with involuntary manslaughter and even if they aren’t they should lose custody of their kids. Normally I’m against government intervention in a parent’s right to raise their children, but honestly you are a severely negligent parent if your five year old is shooting a gun.

But this is the gun obsessed country we live in. The sheriff in the town said it was just “a crazy accident”. No, that’s not a crazy accident. A crazy accident is a clown slipping on some marbles and chipping his tooth. This is irresponsible and dangerous parenting. And yet, we don’t have background checks in the country for guns. Perhaps we need background checks for parenting instead. And while it is not everyday that a five year old shoots a two year old, accidental shootings happen everyday in this country. Not just a few everyday but when you consider that 35,000 people are killed by guns yearly in America, one would have to guess that the number of people injured or killed by accidental shootings on a daily basis has got to be in the hundreds.

And yet, no background checks. What a Goddamn pity.

I was thinking recently about what one song could be like the gay anthem for gays. Many minority groups have songs that represent them or suit their struggle and I’ve got to wonder what song is that for gays. I know many gays today love Lady Gaga and the shit she and people like her put out, but the way I see it she is pretty much a fad and might not have the staying power of a Madonna or Cher. Oh and neither of them really have the one song that really stands out as a gay anthem.

Which brings me to George Michael’s remake of the Elton John classic “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” At the time of it’s release in 1991, Michael was not yet out of the closet but he sang the song live and had John walk on and sing it on stage with him. Since then though both have become gay icons. And when you go back and listen to the song now, you can almost feel like it’s two gay guys professing their love for each other.

I’m sure that I’m glaringly lacking in my knowledge of other songs that can be thought of as anthems but for some reason that is the only one that comes to mind for me. I really should ask other gays their opinions as to what they feel could be constituted as gay anthems. My guess is that there are quite a few out there that can be used to represent gays and the struggle for gay rights and equality.

I had a different post planned for today but then history struck: an athlete in one of the four major American sports has come out of the closet. I’ve long been a huge NBA fan and of course, I’m gay. I knew who Jason Collins was before he came out of the closet but being that he is nothing more than a bit role player on six teams over the past 12 years, I’ve never given him much attention. But, in the matter of one day he has become my favorite player.

In sports being gay is more than just taboo. And in the black culture, while being gay is unacceptable to many. In fact, I read a funny quote once from a black gay man who was asked if it was harder to be black or gay and he said “I’ve never had to come out to my mom as black.” Which kind of says it all right there. So being black and coming out is hard enough as it is. But being a professional athlete? Well, that is on a whole different level. The balls and courage it took for him to come out is really impressive and should be admired. I think gays everywhere need to support him as much as possible; go out and by his jersey and wear it proud. My hope is that my Bulls sign him in the off season (they probably won’t, they already have a few big men, but shit a seven footer is a seven footer and they don’t currently have one of those) so that I can kill two birds with one stone and by his jersey and a Bulls jersey.

The past few weeks there have been rumors that a few NFL players would be coming out so the fact that a player came out in this day and age was not too much of a shock. But, I still did not expect an NBA player to come out and when I saw it on ESPN while at work, I was taken aback and felt a sense of pride. Pride in Jason Collins. Pride that for the most part, a majority of people have been very supportive of him. And pride that we as a society have come so far.

Way to go Jason. You are my hero.

Can’t we all just agree that Congress fucking sucks? While every president is a polarizing figure; usually half the country likes him and the other half doesn’t. But that ain’t the same for Congress; there usually is nothing polarizing about Congress. The approval rating for Congress is very low, don’t quote me on this but I think it is south of 20%. Of course the ironic part about that though is while overall people dislike Congress, most people like their own representatives or senators, that is if people even know who their reps or senators are. It remains baffling to me how many people lack basic knowledge as to who represents them in Congress. People hate Congress but don’t believe that their own rep is the problem.

So why do we hate Congress? Well let me give you two examples. First of all there is something called the filibuster in the Senate that prevents shit from getting done. In the real world a majority rules, but not in the United States Senate. No. There, a majority is not good enough. You can have a majority vote for a bill and it still fail. And not just a majority. You can have 59% vote for a bill and it still fail. Huh? Does that make any bit of fucking sense to you? But yet, that is the way our Senate works. Or should I say doesn’t work. Of course this usually drives the party in power…………wait, no the majority party, nuts. And then once that party is the minority party, they are fine with the filibuster. Which, is a big reason as to why it doesn’t go away.

Then there is the matter of the childish nature in which Congress behaves. On March 23, 2010 Congress passed the Affordable Care Act, more commonly referred to as Obamacare. In the 37 months since the bill has passed, the Republicans have voted 30 times to repeal Obamacare. This in spite of the fact that not only did it not have enough support for it to even pass the House, even if it did it would die in the aforementioned impotent Senate. Oh and even if somehow the Senate found a way to actually get a bill passed, it would be vetoed by President Obama because, well, why the fuck would he fight for so long to get the signature piece of legislation of his entire presidency passed only to repeal it himself?

But yet, the Republicans insist upon pointlessly wasting time and taxpayer money on a futile vote to overturn a bill. Not once. Not twice. Not five or 10 fucking times. But, 30 motherfuckingcocksucking times! 30 times! How the hell is this acceptable? How the hell are they allowed to continue keep bringing it up. 30 times in 37 months, shit that is damn near once a month. On something that has absolutely no chance of passing. Americans should be pissed about this, but yet I know damn well that there are Republicans out there who are happy that their representatives keep beating this damn dead horse, as if it might accidentally get passed by the house, then the senate, and then the white part of Obama comes out, gets drunk, and signs into law the repeal of one of his biggest accomplishments.

And still, overall the American people keep sending these same fuckers back to Congress time and time and time again.

Today is Earth Day the one day of the year when we kind of pretend to attempt to think to care about the earth and the environment before we go back to remembering how inconvenient environmental protection is. The environment is not the most important topic to anybody who is not an environmentalist. Not only is it not the most important topic, but it is actually pretty damn far down the list of important topics. Yet it very well might be the most important topic.

This year Earth Day is overshadowed by a lot of other issues. For starters there is of course the Boston bombings a story that is still dominating the news. There is also the issue of gun safety which has been a hot topic, well forever but especially since December. There is the issue with North Korea as well. There is the issue of gay marriage which will be decided by the Supreme Court in a couple of months. There is the issue of Justin Bieber and his stupid fucking monkey. Why anybody would ever give a monkey’s ass about Justin fucking Bieber I don’t know, but yet he is talked about more than the environment. And of course, the ever popular economy which is always a big topic. All of these issues seem to garner more press and attention than the environment. In fact there are probably a dozen more topics that get more attention that I didn’t even mention.

But yet the environment get overlooked time and time again. Perhaps because it is not a sexy topic like which NBA player is the latest to be nailing a Kardashian. Or maybe because it is not the most exciting topic like the manhunt for a terrorist. Or maybe it is because the people that do choose to believe that the environment is important bury their heads in the sand so they don’t have to be bothered with making a change to their lifestyle to help save the world. It could be any number of reasons or a combination of reasons. But it doesn’t mean that it is still not important.

The ironic part is that what we all do has an effect on every single person in the world and even on people who have not yet been born or even thought of yet. What will do now will impact those who are living on this planet in a hundred years. Look, I know global climate change is controversial and not everybody believes it. But, the environment is more than just global warming. It’s water quality. It’s air quality. It is food quality. It is the poisons we put into the air and soil. Even if you don’t believe in global warming or even if it actually isn’t real, you can still be impacted by what we do to the environment. Pretend global climate change isn’t real if you must, but there is no way that anybody is ever going to be able to convince me that the thick black smoke emanating from a refinery is good for the inhabitants of this planet. Opponents of environmental protection like to argue that environmental regulations hurt the economy but nobody can possibly justify to me that dumping chemicals into a major waterway is good for humans.

While you might think about the environment today, the key is to think about it the rest of the year and when you are not only voting, but also when you are donating to charities or just living your everyday life. Remember, we have one earth, we can’t exactly pick up and leave once we have destroyed this one.

Like everybody else in America, I watched a lot of the coverage of the bombings at the Boston Marathon and the subsequent manhunt for the brothers responsible. We can go on and on discussing how and why something like this happens but I’d like to focus on the media’s coverage of the whole story. The media is one entity that everybody seems to complain about all the time. Republicans and Democrats both agree that the media sucks however they believe it sucks for different reasons. In some respects, the media can do no right. Ever. The media is kind of like an umpire at a  baseball game; nobody ever compliments when an umpire does a good job but instead half the people watching have an issue with a call and the other half have an issue with the next call. In other words, there is no winning if you are an umpire. The same goes for the media.

But in this case it is totally justified. First of all, we have gotten to the point where we are such an on demand instant society that it is more important to report the incorrect news first then to be second to report the correct news. And this is nothing new, this has been going on for years, after all just ask President Gore. Oh. Wait. I forgot, he didn’t actually win, not that you would know that by the way the media reported it. Or how about the Supreme Court’s ruling on Obamacare when it got overturned last June. Awww shit, that’s right, it was not overturned, as it turns out CNN doesn’t like to read full paragraphs before reporting the news. Which brings us to this week when multiple media outlets reported that a suspect had been caught when in reality no arrests had been made. Don’t they ever learn their lesson?

I made no bones about hiding my liberal bias. I’m a liberal and quite proud of it so naturally I avoid the ultra conservative FOX News at all cost. But, I also avoid the uber liberal MSNBC as well; I’m biased myself so the last thing I want from my news is bias. In the realm of 24 hour news networks that leaves……………uhhhhgggghhhh……….CNN. Oh CNN. I’ve always said their only bias is with how great they think they are. If only their reporting was as great as their arrogant attitude. CNN is kind of like your typical American teenager: too fucking arrogant and cocky to realize how stupid and clueless they are.

The one thing that all these networks seem to have in common though is that they seem to all LOVE a tragedy. Big stories like this drive up ratings. So of course, what do they do, they go balls out and deliver constant wall to wall coverage of the tragedy. It might be over the top for me to suggest this, but I could almost swear that they are happy when something this happens. It’s like they think it gives them a chance to show off their reporting “skills” even though said “skills” are lacking in facts and accuracy.

But this is the society we live in. Unfortunately the media reflects society and what we want. They essentially are only giving us what we want: on demand answers as quick as humanly possible. Look the media can be a wonderful tool. The media can do great and important things like shedding a light on important stories that people otherwise would not find out. Just like society and everyday people, the media can and has made a difference in people’s lives. The question is, how do we get back to the time when the media did make a difference? How can the media be a force for good instead of ineptitude?

I watched Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln” recently and it only reconfirmed what I have always believed: Abraham Lincoln is the greatest American who ever lived. I can go on about Lincoln’s greatness or about his impact but we all know that already. I would much rather get into what he means to me.

Although Lincoln was born in Kentucky, Illinois is where he came to prominence and the place where he is most associated, in particular Springfield. I’m from Illinois and it gives me a tremendous amount of pride to know that Illinois had such a large impact on his life. I live in a state that is well known for it’s corrupt politicians but Illinois is still known as the “Land of Lincoln.” Heck even our license plates feature the face of Abe. Whenever I’m out of state and I see an Illinois license plate I can look at the face of Lincoln with great pride in knowing that not only did he come from Illinois but also that he accomplished the greatest achievement in the history of the United States and quite possibly the world.

I’ve been to the Lincoln library in Springfield once and Lincoln’s tomb twice. I’ve never been known as being the most humble person around, but the moments I spent in Lincoln’s tomb were probably the most humbled moments of my life. I was simply in awe to be there; to stand there and reflect in a somber demeanor at how much he has meant to the symbol of equality of millions of people not only in America, but also around the world. How can one simple man leave such an imprint on the world that reverberates even today, nearly 150 years after he died?

Abraham Lincoln is inspiring. When I go through rough times, I sometimes think about how my problems paled in comparison to Lincoln’s, no matter how big mine are. As if the Civil War was not hard enough, he also had an 11 year old son die during the Civil War of typhoid fever. The grief nearly drove Mary Todd Lincoln insane. In addition, while a good portion of the country loved Lincoln, just as many people HATED him. You think people say awful things about Obama nowadays, it was nothing compared to what they said about Lincoln. And yet, he persevered and eventually triumphed and with grace as well.  Any problem I could have does not even compare to what he had to put up with.

Lincoln has always been and always will be my favorite president. It’s easy to see why.

Spring is always a great time of year, I mean provided we actually get to have a spring this year. But one of the more annoying parts of spring is that the birds seem to think they own the world and can fuck and shit anywhere they want. This year I’m not having a problem with the shitting. Instead though I am having a problem with the fucking. Or at least the byproduct of the fucking: the nesting and laying of the eggs.

In my backyard on the house right next to the backdoor I’ve got a pair of, well not floodlights, but outside lights that have a motion detector on that that cause them to turn on whenever there is motion in the backyard. Last week I noticed the lights never seemed to go off. The reason: you guessed it; some birds had decided to build a nest on top of the lights. This is a problem for many reasons, for one the lights never go off so I had to turn off the switch so that the light never goes on. I might be talking out of my ass here (heheheheh, I said ass hair!) but I think part of the reason why they chose the lights to build the nest is because of the heat that the lights give out. As I mentioned at the top, spring is not exactly rushing in; shit just last week our lows were in the 20s and even at the end of this week it is supposed to get down to freezing again. I guess the birds wouldn’t quite be used to freeze this late in the year so any sort of warmth helps.

Of course the bigger issue is that the nest is literally right next to the back door. In fact if I open the back door, there is nothing preventing the birds from quickly getting into the house. Fortunately there is a screen door as well but unfortunately, the large outdoor garbage bin is right next to the door along with the recycling bin which is used every night. And being that Hitchcock’s “The Birds” still creeps me out, I’m more than a little bit paranoid to open the damn backdoor for fear of a  bird getting in the house. In fact, the other night I opened the door and thought I saw a bird start to fly in the house and quickly slammed the door and fell backward onto the floor. Gosh I’m such a freak at times.

I’ve been told that birds don’t nest for long and soon they will be on their way, but in the meantime if anybody has any ideas on how I can get rid of them without killing or disturbing them, I welcome your thoughts.