September 22, 2008
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The following story is 100% not true. Nothing about it is accurate. Should you actually believe the story then you are a total dumbass who deserves to personally live with Bush as your president for the next 16 years.
OBAMA AND MCCAIN AGREE 100% ON ISSUE:
Shia LaBeouf should never be allowed to act againWith the 2008 presidential election just six short weeks away, Democratic nominee Barack Obama and Republican nominee John McCain have finally found an issue that they agree 100% on and are willing to come together in support of this issue. The issue at hand is the acting non talents of young hack Shia LaBeouf. The issue was brought up to Obama by another talentless hack, Vince Vaughn while at a fund raiser. This morning, McCain and Obama both appeared together at a press conference to address the issue. Said Obama “We need change and part of that change should prevent Shia LaBeouf from ever acting again. Sure that is probably not change you can believe in, but hey, if I’m able to prevent him from acting it will be the biggest accomplishment of my political career.” McCain then added “Yes, Senator Obama, you couldn’t be more right. When I was stuck in a Vietnam prison for five years, I didn’t think about any of my houses that I didn’t know yet that I owned. All I wanted to do was to get out and prevent punks like LaBeouf from acting again. That was when I was a prisoner of war for five years in Vietnam.”
Many people wanted to know the stance that each running mate had on the issue. “Well I too have been told to think he is a no talent hack. When (McCain campaign manager) Rick Davis told me who Shay Leblanc was, I knew he name sounded too French for me. So Rick then………” Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was saying before her puppeteer strings broke. As for Obama running mate Joe Biden, he had this to say “Well I too have been told to think he is a no talent hack. When (McCain campaign manager) Rick Davis told me who…………oh shit, I was supposed to replace Rick Davis with David Plouffe.”
Obama and McCain have both gone as far as to co sponsor a bill known as the Shia LaBeouf Law which makes it illegal for LaBeouf to ever act again. “Legally, we can only prevent him from acting within the United States. So I came up with a special provision that legally banishes him from the country should he try making a movie outside of the United States. I’m pretty sure I came up with it during my five years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam” said McCain. Obama agrees too, saying that this is just what America needs to help jump start a sagging movie industry. “My fellow Americans we all saw the latest Indiana Jones movie. I think you the American people are smart enough to figure out that they want him to take over the Indy franchise.Our bill makes it impossible for that to happen. Thank you Senator McCain for co sponsoring this bill with me. Now, how about a terrorist fist bump” said Obama.
Meanwhile, Palin had this to say about the bill: “If this bill is passed, I would be willing to travel with LaBone outside of the country to ensure he doesn’t act again. All I need to do is get a passport and find out what country Europe is in.”
The Senators have just six weeks to pass this bill before the election. The question remains how this bill will affect the election. Its safe to say though that this bill would hurt both candidates chances of winning the teenage girl vote. Biden for one, doesn’t think it will matter much. “Oh, I’m sure there is some 15 year old girl out there in Ohio who won’t vote for for us because of this bill. But, I’m not sure that enough 15 year olds are going to vote to make a difference.” When informed that the legal voting age is 18, Biden replied “Look, you all know I don’t write my own shit. I’ve been plagiarizing for years. In fact, I stole that one from Bush. I should have known not to steal from him, after all he thought only people under the age of 18 were allowed to vote.”
When reached for comment, LaBeouf said “I know I suck. I know I suck real bad. Shit, even my mother has contributed money to help sponsor this bill. But what else would I do? I’m not smart enough to get a real job and my looks are the only thing that keep me going.”
With the candidates in full agreement on this issue, it should make for a smoother October than usual. At least for everybody but Shia LaBeouf.
