September 23, 2008

• There are a couple of ladies who started at my job recently who make my Evilgelical sense tingle. See in the same way that Spider Man has his spidey sense in which he can sense danger or how a mother’s intuition tells her that her daughter’s boyfriend is a drugged out loser who is only trying to plow her daughter, I have a sixth sense that alerts me when somebody is over Jesus-a-fied. Maybe its because as a gay, liberal Atheist we are mortal enemies, but I seem to always know within minutes of meeting somebody that they are an Evilgelical. Its like I see them and know automatically that they are to be avoided and made fun of. This got me to thinking, what if I could invent a whole new superhero to fight the evils and injustices of the Evilgelicals and Christian right.

  His name would be Gay McAtheist, and he goes from town to town sniffing out Evilgelicals and turning them gay with one wink of the eye. He senses their evilness because they are floating around high on the life that is Jesus when deep down under it all they long for a stiff dick in the ass to give them what they really need. What’s that, Christian conservatives are boycotting a planned parenthood clinic? Well no need to fear, Gay McAtheist is here to save the day with lube and condoms for everybody. Evilgelicals are going door to door to drum up support for a gay marriage ban? Well our hero Gay McAtheist is on the scene to make the Evilgelicals point to the exact place in the bible where Jesus says he is against gay marriage. Trouble at the school board meeting where a hardcore Christian is belittling evolution and begging for creationism to be taught in schools? Well here comes our friend Gay McAtheist with mountains of evidence pointing to evolution to settle the score. Yes, there is nothing Gay McAtheist can’t do. Except maybe change a tire.

  Still, what a great hero he would be. He could sense out the evilgelicals before they even have a chance to spread their message. How does he sense work? First his skin starts to crawl. Then he has the sudden urge to jerk off while thinking about his last gay encounter. He also can see that wild crazy look in their eyes, you know the look with the little image of Jesus dangling from their pupils. Then there is the false impression of happiness when what they really feel is suppression of all that makes them feel good. Its a nice day out and they thank God for the beautiful sunshine. They go to eat a bag of Oreos and add to their already 83% body fat when before they take that first bite they thank their Lord for the bounty thy are about to receive. Those are surefire signs that Gay McAtheist is in the presence of Evilgelicals.

  Oh Gay McAtheist. Why aren’t you real?

  • 11:12 pm
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