With that cold hearted bitch Sandy slowly making it’s way away from the east coast, it got me to thinking about different natural disasters and which ones I would rather be in. Or  better yet, which ones I would least like to be in. I mean let’s face it, nobody WANTS to be in a natural disaster. It’s not like when you are a kid you say “mommy, daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be in an an earthquake!” And when you see the victims of natural disasters on tv, they aren’t exactly happy; in fact they are usually understandably downright miserable. And why not? Yesterday their house was standing and family and friends were all alive and well. Today? The house is a pile of rubble and nobody has seen the cat in 15 hours. Of course, I’ve never been in a natural disaster. At least not much worse than a blizzard or a severe thunderstorm. But, here is how I think I would react when it comes to each of the following:

• Tornado- I live in the Midwest, in particular Illinois in the southwest suburbs of Chicago, an area that is no stranger to tornadoes. One of my biggest fears in life is a tornado; in fact for years I have been having reoccurring dreams about a tornado. But should one ever happen, I’m thinking the first thing I would do before taking cover is to piss myself. Then get embarrassed and that is if I were alone. If I were with people? Well I would piss myself, pass out from embarrassment and hope like hell somebody was not repulsed enough to drag me to safety.
• Blizzard- Okay, so technically a blizzard is a natural disaster. But, when you are sitting in your comfy warm home, it is not that big of a deal. And of course, I lived through the major blizzard of February 2011, but how would I react had I been one of those sorry people stuck on Lake Shore Drive? Oh that’s easy. I would have died. I would have gotten out of the car, been so hungry that I licked a metal pole and froze to death.
• Hurricane- See, I think I could be okay with this one. First of all, as you can tell I’m a total fucking pussy. So the first time they said hurricane, while you might want to leave, I would jump right the fuck in my car and speed the hell out of town. And then it’s a road trip and I love road trips. I won’t even get into how I would react if I had stood behind because no fucking way I’m staying.
• Earthquake- Oh, this one sounds like the worst one of them all. Hell I freak out if I’m in an elevator that is a little bouncy. When we hit turbulence on a plane, panic and stick my head in between my legs. If I were walking and the earth started to move? There is not a chance in hell I would not instantly shit myself. And if I were sleeping when it started? Man, that would be the worst, I would wake up and not have a clue what the fuck is happening and therefore would already be in full panic mode. Shit, every night I’m worried I’m going to die in my sleep a damn earthquake ain’t’ exactly going to help things.
• Fire- I’ve always been the type that occasionally plays with matches and lighters. But those are small fires. A major fire? Well that’s a total different story. It’s not like it is smoke that comes from a joint. This is real smoke that burns and kills. Just the mere thought of a flame right now and I’m ready to throw the monitor through the window. In a real fire my chances of survival are about as good as the Cubs chance of winning the World Series.

But, my hat’s off to those people who put their lives on the line to help and rescue people during these horrible disasters. These people are heroes and do things that I could never do.

A couple of years ago, I got an iPod touch. So naturally, I got iTunes and eventually downloaded or bought something along the lines of over 1,200 songs. Earlier this year my stupid fucking cellphone died and figured it would make sense to get an iPhone because why have to stuff a phone and iPod in my pocket when I could just stuff one thing that does both in my pocket. So off I went to purchase the iPhone 4S. This meant of course, that I synced by iPhone with my iTunes. For some reason though my iPhone is missing about 12 songs from my iTunes. The songs are on my iPod but for some reason I can’t get them to show up on the iPhone. I looked at the help portion of the iTunes but all that it tells me is how to sync the damn phone with the iTunes but not how to get the missing songs put on the phone. This is where you come in. Any ideas on how to fix this problem? I know a ton of people who have iPhones and hell, let’s face it, it is the most popular phone on the market so I’m sure at least some other people have had the same problem.

Last month I wrote about how I had a great idea for a Halloween costume for the Halloween party I was planning on hosting. I was going to be a porn star for Halloween. Ohhh, I had it brilliantly all planned out. Unfortunately though, my friend and I decided to flip years for Halloween; I would host next year and she would host this year.  My party is an adult only party; her’s a child friendly party. So my idea of porn star went out the window at least until next year. It’s okay though, I love Halloween and don’t need much motivation to find a costume or to dress up.

Each year since about 1995, I have rented costumes from the same lady every year. She does a great job and for the most part, makes her own costumes. Last Friday I went in there with no clue as to what I was going to dress up as. The party was last night which meant that I only had a week to pick one out and knew that many of the best costumes would be gone. But, being that I’m not picky in the least when it comes to Halloween costumes, I quickly thought of something and instantly had my heart set on it. I have long been obsessed with the everything 1920s. And since I’m a big fan of HBOs prohibition era drama Boardwalk Empire, this made my decision a lot easier. I decided to dress up very nicely as a guy from the 1920s. Very nicely turned out to be a black, lightly pinstriped tux with tails, complete with a 1920s era hat and a walking cane. Because I’m a long time customer, the lady not only gave me $5 off, but she also tailored the pants for me. The cost was only $30; shit if I had gone to a tux store it probably would have costs $75-$100 to rent.  The costume didn’t exactly win any contests, but I looked damn hot, or so I thought. But, I will let you be the judge; here is a pic.

Imagine yourself in your perfect world. You are in perfect health. You have the perfect family and friends. You are the right height and weight and can eat whatever you want and not gain weight or suffer any other health ramifications from eating shitty. Everything tastes great. Your orgasms are plentiful and earth shattering. You so filthy flippin rich that you not only never have to work again, but you never have to really do anything again. You can go about your days in any manner in which you like. You don’t have to deal with bullshit from your family or spouse. Everybody gets along; both sides of the family. The weather is perfect when you want it to be perfect. Your life is basically 100% completely stress free. Everything is perfect.

Except. There is no F word. Now I’m not saying you are unallowed to say the word fuck. I’m saying the word doesn’t exist. You are living in a world without the mother of all words; the greatest word ever uttered in any of it’s illustrious forms, the world fuck, fucker, motherfucker, fucko, fuckiest, fucky, fucktard, unclefucker, fucking, fuckinstein, fuckin, fucked, fuckityfuckfuck or any other version. The word doesn’t exist. You get pissed off and sit there searching for the right word to say to describe your rage and you got nothing. Somebody cuts you off in traffic and you want to yell out but the word is not there. You are arguing with some total asshole  and want to tell him to fuck off but you can’t; there is no word. You can’t take insults to the next level by calling somebody a total fucking prick, instead they are just a prick, all plain and tame. No yelling at somebody calling them a motherfucker. You just instead have to call them a jerk. Oooooo jerk. Yeah, how weak is that? You wanna get laid. You can’t exactly say “I’m so fucking horny all I wanna do is fuck, fuck fuck.” Nope. That’s all out. Imagine how much worse your life would be. No fuck. You can’t really go off on a great tirade without the word fuck. It’s just not possible. You would have to keep all of the anger bottled up and inside without the proper release. Oh sure, you might be able to let off a little bit of steam. But you can never let it all out without the word fuck. Fuck. It’s that good.

Now, is this a world you would want to live in?

Inspired by a post by another Xangan, I was thinking about the meaning of certain songs, one in particular, the old Eagles classic, “Hotel California” which got me to thinking about the meaning behind a whole slew of songs that are left open to interpretation as to what they mean. Many songs are metaphors for sex or drugs. And many times, the songwriters and or performers refuse to say what the songs are about as to help create an air of mystery about the song. One site I’ve gone to a lot is songsfacts.com however I’m not so certain the info on there is accurate. Nevertheless, there is no end to the number of songs that we don’t know the meaning to, but here are just a few starting with the aforementioned “Hotel California“

• “Hotel California” by The Eagles- This song has a lot of different theories the one of which I find most fascinating is from http://bubblyslife.xanga.com/ who’s original post gave me the idea. She says the song is about a cult, which when I listen to the lyrics makes the most sense. There are also rumors that it is about a haunted hotel in Chicago of all places and also that the song is about drugs. Somebody else said it was about the band Steely Dan, but I have a hard time believing the whole thing is about Steely Dan.
• “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins- When I was a kid, I used to think this was a song about a guy who broke up with his girlfriend/wife. About 15 years ago, a friend of mine told me it was about when Phil Collins was a kid and how he watched helplessly while his best friend drowned to death as his best friend’s brother looked on and laughed. As the story goes, he wrote the song and then played it for his best friend’s brother at a concert as a way to get revenge. Collins though has always denied this story and said that he wrote it about his ex wife.
• “American Pie” by Don McLean- This is my all time favorite song, so I’ve always wanted to know what it was about and learn everything possible about it. The rumors are that much of the song refers to all sorts of different events and pop culture figures from the 1950s and 1960s. McLean though refuses to clarify what any of it means, instead preferring to leave the whole thing a mystery. I hope he does eventually say though before he dies because it is perhaps the biggest song mystery ever.
• “Squeezebox- by The Who- This is by all means not the only Who song that has many meanings. Some say it’s a song about sex and a lady’s vagina, others say it is about a lady who plays an accordion. I say it is about both.
• “Mack The Knife“- by Bobby Darin- This might be the most intriguing song on my list here. If you have never heard it, first all all shame on you. But, you should listen to it because the music is certainly not indicative of the lyrics and what the song is more than likely about: Jack the Ripper or another serial killer who viciously murders with a knife.
• “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” by the Beatles- There are no shortage of Beatles songs that are left open to multiple interpretations. John Lennon, however, says this song is not actually about drugs but instead was inspired by a drawing that his son made.

These are just a few songs, I can honestly go on and on and on and on. What are some of the songs you wonder about and what you feel their meanings are and about the short list of songs above, what are your thoughts?

A lot of times when I have nothing to write about, I like to tell a story from before I started blogging because, let’s face it, an overwhelming majority of my life occurred before Xanga. So today I’m going to tell about something that happened to me more than 15 years ago in May of 1997. Holy fuck, I can’t believe that was 15 fucking years ago. Wow.

So back in the day, my friends J.T., Dave, and I used to frequently take road trips. These road trips were more times than not totally and utterly spontaneous, which was the case with the very first road trip we took together. It was on I believe a Wednesday afternoon and we were having a late lunch with a bunch of friends at a Mexican restaurant and we were talking about gambling. Of the three of us, J.T. was the only one not 21 yet so he couldn’t gamble in the Illinois casinos. My friend Dave said that you only had to be 18 to gamble at Ho-Chunk Casino in Baraboo, Wisconsin which was near Wisconsin Dells about three and a half hours away. I don’t quite remember who’s idea it was but we just decided to up and go right after lunch. After paying our bill, we left the rest of our friends there and ran home to pack a bag and were on our way. I remember being really excited and thought it was hilarious and classic to do something like this, but at the same time I could not believe we were doing it.

For some reason, we actually let Dave drive which was really odd because before then and even until this day, we very rarely let Dave drive. For some reason, we went through Milwaukee even though it wasn’t on the way. In our haste of leaving, we didn’t realize that none of us knew exactly how to get there. And we didn’t have a map. Or an atlas. Or a fucking clue for that matter. So we wound up briefly lost in Milwaukee. The rest of the ride was fun but rather uneventful.

We wound up getting a room at the Wilderness Hotel not far from the casino. We checked in about 9 in the pm and discovered that it had the biggest and deepest hot tub any of us had ever seen. Shit, it even had a waterfall going into it. We got in partly because it was there but also because it was 33 fucking degrees outside and we were wearing nothing but swim trunks. After being in there a few minutes, Dave, who I still believe might have been clinically insane that moment, decided that we should leave the hot tub and jump into the pool. Five ball shrinking seconds later, we were out of the damn pool. We hung out at the indoor water park until they closed at 11 before showering (separately I might add) and heading to the casino about midnight, where we all lost.

Back at the room at 3:30. Now I should mention that I had been unemployed for quite some time at that point in my life, but living with my mom I didn’t have a lot of expenses. We were all laying down bullshittin when Dave asked me how I got my money. I tried to explain to him that I had saved it from when I worked, but he didn’t believe me. He proceeded to harass me about it in a hilarious fashion for quite sometime until I told him. He even turn on the lights, turned up the heat and opened the windows and said nobody was sleeping until I told him how I got my money. This went on for quite some time, all the while we were laughing and making noise. Finally about 5:30 in the morning, things quieted down when Dave said “hey guys, listen to this”. He then picked up the phone and had our wake up call changed from 7A.M. to 6:30A.M.

We eventually did sleep for a couple of hours and got up at 9 to head home. About 30 or 45 minutes into the trip, somewhere between Madison and Baraboo, “Welcome to the Jungle” came on the radio. Dave must have been too excited and entranced with my beautifully, angelic singing that he didn’t realize he was going 19 miles over the speed limit. I remember driving under an overpass and Dave slamming on the fucking brakes because he saw a cop. Now I was in the back seat behind the passenger’s seat. As the cop pulled us over, I struggled to find the seat belt which was somewhere in the trunk probably near the back fucking bumper for all I knew. Eventually though I was able to slide it on around my waist. Hell, I didn’t know what the seat belt laws were in Wisconsin for riding in the backseat. I was not able to fully get it on, so I put my coat over my waist to cover it up.

The cop came up to the driver’s side and of course got all of Dave’s info. He then came around to our side and asked what I was hiding back there. I said nothing, I just had my Pepsi and showed it to him. He asked me if I was hiding a gun back there and I of course said no, but by this point it was too late. He asked me to step out of the car, where he proceeded to frisk me, even “investigating my premises” if you know what I mean. I told him that to be honest, I was just looking for the seat belt to which he replied, “well I’ve been in this business for 27 years, why couldn’t you just tell me the truth?” I quickly replied “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!”. Okay so maybe not.

As he continued to take the hands on approach, my natural reaction was to put my hands down there real quick and he said “whoa, I’m doing the searching here.” After he finished me off, he had Dave and J.T. get out of the car and we all went to the front of the car while he searched the back seat. While we were driving, I was writing a goofy Top 10 list titled “Top 10 things you never want your love to say to you during sex”. He started to read it when I said “no, no, no, uh, sir you don’t want to read that.” He slyly smiled and said “too late” probably realizing at that time that we were just a few harlmess young guys being goofy. He let us go back into the car and he returned with a ticket for $190! FUCKING OUCH.

So that was the extent to, at this point, my run in with the law. Oh sure, I’ve gotten tickets, but have not been frisked since. At least not by a cop!

Ever go through a time when you are just too damn busy to post or when you just have a bit of writer’s block? Well that is pretty much where I’m at right now. This time of year is always busy for me; I usually work OT from now until January and even February sometimes. I hope to have a better post later in the week though but for now this is all you get.

Recently I watched a documentary on HBO called Gun Fight which as you might have guessed, is all about the battle over guns here in America. Now I’m not going to even pretend to be partial about this issue; I’m fiercely pro gun control. I will clarify, like many people who are for gun control, I’m not advocating that guns should be outlawed; hell I do still believe people should have the right to defend themselves. The NRA and other gun nuts strongly believe that if anybody is for gun control than that automatically means that they are 100% against the ownership of guns of any kind. But, that is part of the problem with the pro gun lobby; they just go to extreme conclusions as to help drive home their insane, paranoid belief that we liberals want to take away their guns. That can’t be further from the truth; they say things like that to get support for their cause.

Unfortunately though, they refuse to accept the very rational thought of sane and reasonable gun laws. Than again, let me give you an idea of the type of people we are dealing with here. In this documentary, there were gun lovers talking about how they constantly have their gun either by their side or literally on them at all times. One guy who lives in a rural area mind you, mentioned that he sits at home watching tv with the gun strapped to his waist because, “you never know when you are going to need it.” Seriously. Unless you have lots of enemies that are trying to kill you or you live in a high crime area like the south side of Chicago, parts of Detroit, or Compton, you probably don’t need to have a gun on you constantly. Look, I live in the suburbs of Chicago, which in all likelihood has higher crime than the rural areas of this country and don’t even have a need to own a gun or any weapons really. My guess is that dude who said that has never had any occurrence in which to have to use the gun at home.

Also these same people have the belief that they are going to need to over throw the government at some point. You know, because some southerner is going to get together with a few of his neighbors and rise up and overthrow the government with their guns. After all it’s easy to overthrow the government, we only have local and state law enforcement, the FBI, CIA, DEA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, ATF, and five branches of the military. Oh and if all that fails the Department of Agriculture. So you can see why they would think they would be able to overthrow the government. But this is the mentality of the gun lovers.

What really blew me away about this documentary was just how easy it is to obtain some very lethal and dangerous weapons. Did you know that anybody can obtain a gun that can fire a bullet from a mile and a half away and hit it’s target? A fucking mile and a half away! Seriously, why the fuck would anybody not in the military need to own such a weapon? I know a lot of gun lovers like to say that a prime reason why they own so many guns is for hunting. But, just what the fuck type of animal are you hunting that you need to be a mile and a half away from it to kill it? And if you are that scared of the animal that you can’t be, say, within a hundred yards, well than you should probably just stick to shooting in video games.

Most issues have multiple sides; both extremes and the middle and everywhere else in between. With guns though their seems to be two sides. The side that believes in sane and reasonable gun laws and the side that is completely irrational, paranoid and quite frankly, fucking nuts about guns. What is frustrating is that the gun lobby is so damn powerful that it makes even the slightest gun legislation damn near impossible to pass. I’ve said it over and over and over again and will keep saying it, but why is it that our guns and our gun rights far outweigh the value of a human life? How many more mass shootings does there have to be before sanity finally wins out and laws are passed? Right now, the clock is ticking until the next mass shooting. Somewhere out there, some mentally unstable person is obtaining guns and ammunition and planning the next mass shooting.

The pro gun lobby always says two things after these shootings. One, they say “now is not the time to have a debate on guns?” To them though, it is never the time. We haven’t had a mass shooting in, what, over a week now, can we talk about it now? No. Still not the right time. The other thing they always say is that these shootings could be prevented with MORE guns in the hands of MORE people. Yeah, because why have only one person shooting when you can have several firing aimlessly trying in vain to shoot the gunman before he shoots them; meanwhile other innocent bystanders are getting sprayed with stray bullets. And to think, I haven’t even touched on the day to day gun violence that exists that does not result in multiple deaths.

But on and on we will go. I’m sure this won’t be my last post on this topic. I’m sure I will have many more posts over the years on this topic. Because, this is the problem that never seems to change or go away. It’s not like the people who are murdered by guns every day. They go away forever.

Right now I’ve got a huge urge to take a trip. Last year I took six trips, although one of them was for work. This year I have taken one work trip and one trip for a vacation and that has been it. And here we are, just about mid October and I have nothing else planned for the rest of the year. I  love to travel more than just about anything and have plenty of vacation time left to use and some money to spend. I’ve got a newer car that gets great gas mileage that I have been really itching to take on a road trip. One big problem though is that as of right now, I have nobody to go with, however I do have a friend who might be interested in taking a trip. I’ve got the last full week of November off work. Come to think of it, I have the day before Thanksgiving off and then the whole next week. That is just way too much time not to take a trip, epecially since I’ve only taken one real trip this year. I’m open minded to flying but Do not want to try not to spend a ton of money. I’m also not looking to go for the whole week as I do have something to do on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and something to do the Thursday after Thanksgiving, so I’m only looking to do something from Sunday until Wednesday. I’ve got some options though and am open to suggestions. Here is what I have so far:

1. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Football Hall of Fame- This is the leading trip as of right now, especially if I’m going to travel alone. I’ve never been to either but have always wanted to go. Cleveland/Canton is only about five-six hours a way so it is certainly doable as a short trip.
2. Atlantic City- I’ve never been but have always wanted to go. It is a long drive but certainly something I can do it a day. But there is the whole matter of spending money which quite a problem when you throw gambling in the mix.
3. Las Vegas- The last week of Novemeber and first week of December is usually the slowest time in Vegas and the best time to get good deals. I’ve been there before and LOVED it. Hotel rooms are fairly cheap out there that time of year but again, I can take a reasonably cheap trip and turn it into an expensive one really quick at a roulette wheel or slot machine.
4. New York City- I’m always looking for a reason to go to NYC. If only it weren’t so damn expensive.
5. Hershey/Philadelphia/Pittsburgh- That is a lot to cover in just three or four days. I’m up for it though.
6. Toronto- Just thought of this one. Hell, why not?

I’m open to anything really though. Would love to go somewhere I’ve never been. Living in Chicago, it is pretty centrally located to get to a lot of places in a day’s drive or so. Any other ideas?

Ever since I could remember I’ve always loved haunted houses. I can’t quite remember the first time I went to one but I’m quite certain I was a teenager. I’ve always found the whole thing fun and entertaining. I like to be scared or startled which is probably the better word. Let’s face it, as adults it’s not like we are walking around screaming or with our hands over our eyes. For most guys we get startled and maybe jump when somebody jumps out at us or when a prop goes off in the house. But, it is the starling that really is kinda cool.

When I was 22 I worked at a haunted house in the area with a good friend of mine, Dave. This was a brand new haunted house in the area; it was the first year that it was open (and as it turned out, the only year) and Dave and I were the first two people the owner hired. There were two haunted houses there, one was your normal run of the mill haunted house and the other was a haunted clown house. My job was to get dressed up like a clown and let people in the house. I also had to entertain the people waiting. So I entertained the best way I knew how………….I heckled people. I called myself Heckels the Clown. Yeah, that is where my screen name came from. And yes, I intentionally spelled it wrong. As for the job itself, it was the most fun I ever had at a job, I loved it. If only it paid more than $6.00 an hour and was a permanent job instead of a month long.

So that was 1997. In the years that followed, I never again worked in a haunted house. But, I still went to them. In 2000, some friends and I even took a trip specifically just to go to haunted houses, some of the best in the country down in St Louis. We had a great time and they were well worth the trip and more than lived up to their reputation. In one of them, I remember walking up to a coffin that had a dead bride in it. I stood over her and said “wow, she actually looks real” and just as I started to turn away she sat up and looked at me, scaring the absolute shit out of me. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever had a scare that good before or since. Hell, just think about it, how many times are you at a wake or a funeral and you look at the still, lifeless body and think in the back of your head that it is going to move.

In the years since I haven’t gone every single year. But, the past four years I have gone to a haunted corn maze near Dekalb, IL. Here is the link, click on the bottom to see more about the haunted maze:

http://www.jonamacorchard.com/corn-maze

Each year they have a different shape. For $10, you get to go through two different mazes, one normal and one haunted. It can take a couple of hours to go through both which makes it a pretty good value for the money. So this past Friday we went for our annual trip out to the maze.

Last night my three friends and I went to another haunted house, here is the link to this one:

http://www.statesvillehauntedprison.com/

I’ve been to this one a few times, but this was the first time I went in probably five years or so. A lot of it has changed but some remains the same. It was pretty good though, all of the actors were amazing and really committed to being scary and theatrical. And they had some great props in there as well; normally I find props to be kinda lame but these were high quality scares. It cost $30 for two haunted houses, but I think it was worth it, which was confirmed by the hour long line we had to wait in just to get in.

Even though we were among the oldest people at both the corn maze and the haunted house, I can never get sick of going or feel out of place. I really do love them and will probably go until I’m old enough to die from the inevitable heart attack I get from walking through.