In all my time here on Xanga, I think this is the longest I’ve ever gone without writing a post, if you exclude the times I was out of town and therefore unable to make a post (although I did find a way a few times). So just what the hell have I been doing that I can’t take the time to post? Well I got arrested for public indecency and spent the past week and two days in a Turkish prison after I was extraordinarily renditioned. Did you know you can’t stroll naked through downtown Chicago during rush hour? Well fuck, I wish one of yous would have told me; it really would have saved me a ton of trouble and anal probing. But, nevertheless I am back. And here are some other highlights of my absence, at least when I wasn’t in prison. After all, they did let me out from time to time due to good behavior and sexual favors. See, the key is to get REALLY REALLY good at sucking cock. People actually reward you for that shit, can you believe it? Anywho, a brief summary:

• Friday, November 18 I went grocery shopping with my friend Dave in preparation for our great feast the next day. See, every year for the past, oh, ever, my friends and I have gathered the Saturday before the real Thanksgiving for something we have grown to call Friends Thanksgiving or Friendsgiving. We started out with 13 people but this year had grown all the way to 44 fucking people which meant that there was no way in hell that we can be held in a house. So we moved it to a clubhouse. And this is how I spent Friday my ever so exciting Friday night, running around with Dave from store to store buying all sorts of shit for Saturday. You would think this would be boring, but shopping with Dave is always an adventure in itself.
• And speaking of Saturday, that was the big day. I got up early, well what is early for me on a Saturday. First I got my hairs cut then headed over to the clubhouse which was about a half hour away to get shit set up. We spent a couple of hours there before heading home to shower and then I returned about 4:15 or so for the rest of what was a fun night filled with great food, friends, and for me a bottle and a half of wine. Perhaps this is why I’ve got gaps in what I remember from the night.
• Every month my friends and I take part in something we call Project Days in which we take turns working on home improvement projects at each others’ houses. Well somebody thought that the next day would be a great day to do this. Sure it was great because of the TONS of leftovers we had but bad for me who was hanging a little bit.
• Monday after work was the Bears game against the 49ers. Unfortunately for the Bears, nobody bothered to tell them that they were supposed to play. Fortunately for me, I had some shit to do, so while I had the game on I was only watching it off and on, which in retrospect was fitting because the 49ers were definitely on and the Bears were definitely off.
• Tuesday night I had a date with a guy who was……………..well he was not my type. Which reminds me, I should message him and tell him that because he was certainly a lot more into me than I was into him. And I never like to leave people hanging.
• Wednesday I was off work which in theory sounds good and relaxing, but I was pretty much busy the entire day. In the morning, I had a dentist appointment. I spent the rest of the day cleaning my house in preparation for family coming over today. Then I went to dinner with some friends before hanging out at a bar on what is traditionally the biggest bar night of the year.

And now here we are today. I hope everybody has a fairly decent Thanksgiving, try not to fight with your family too much or if you do, try to make sure you are good and drunk so people have trouble understanding the nasty things you say to them.

You may have heard about the whole fiscal cliff that we are going to drop off of if a deal is not reached between the Republicans and Democrats regarding spending and the budget at the end of the year. I’m with everybody else when it comes to spending and the national debt. Look, there is no doubt about it, we need to get our shit in order, plain and simple. But what isn’t plain and simple is HOW. If you ask the Republicans, raising taxes on anybody is NEVER an option but instead we should be cutting spending on entitlement programs such as welfare, among other things. Democrats say we should raise taxes on the rich and cut spending, in particular military spending, which Republicans are wholeheartedly against. So what is the best way to handle the situation?

Well first of all, when you talk about spending, you can’t even begin to have a serious conversation unless heavy cuts to military spending is strongly considered. The fact is, and overwhelming portion on our budget goes towards three things, Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, and the military. Since cutting Social Security and Medicare is pretty much political suicide, it is usually never even discussed, not that it shouldn’t be, hell at the very least the system needs serious reforming if it is going to remain in place for future generations. But the military on the other hand, well that is a different story. Although I’m talking straight out of my ass on this one, regardless of what anybody says, we can probably stand to cut the cost of the military in half or even more and still remain the strongest and most powerful country in the world. Do you realize we used to spend over a hundred million dollars a year to make a jet that the military has never used and has no intention on ever using? The military budget is filled with wasteful spending like this all over it’s budget. Yet, when it came up for a vote to stop making the jet, there were still people in Congress that voted to keep making it, mainly because people would lose jobs if we stopped making it. Also, we pay military contractors upwards of $103 to wash one load of laundry and $48 for a case of Coke. If this isn’t wasteful and pointless spending than nothing is.

When it comes to cuts to the military, Republicans and even some Democrats refuse to see it as an option. Instead they would rather cut spending to PBS or on helping poor people keep their heat on during the winter. The way I see it, that type of spending is not even in the same universe with the spending that is done on the military. Anybody who refuses to discuss cuts to military but yet are hung up on insisting that there be cuts to unemployment doesn’t deserve to be part of any sort of spending conversation. Sure, nobody wants to support capable people who take unnecessary advantage of government programs and are financially dependent on the government. Yes, that is an issue for a percentage of the people on Welfare and other government programs. But, guess what? Not only is it not the problem but it is not even something that should even be discussed if we don’t handle the behemoth that is military spending. You can’t solve a spending and debt crisis without tackling the things we spend the most on. Cutting something like PBS while not touching the military is kind of like cutting a blade of grass in an acre of lawn and saying it solved the problem of overgrown grass.

I can say with utmost confidence that there is not a single member of Congress who can honestly say that every last dollar of military spending is absolutely vitally necessary to national security. And since nobody can make that argument, it is high time we look at the cost of the bloated military budget.

As I wrote in my Tuesday, October 9th post, I’ve got vacation time coming up with no place to go. At this point, it is highly likely that I will be traveling alone so that rules out many of the ideas in that post. Of course another option is that I don’t go anywhere, but honestly I don’t like that idea at all. I’m craving traveling right now. I just need to be smart and economical about it is all. I know Kelly (Shamrock Lover) suggested Nashville but I think that is a little bit further than I want to go right now (although don’t get me wrong, I definitely want to go sometime). I’m considering Minneapolis, which is a very gay friendly place and I have been to the Mall Of America a few times so it wouldn’t be completely foreign to me. Plus, I can stop off at Ho-Chunk Casino near Wisconsin Dells along the way. I’m also considering Springfield, IL again or perhaps St. Louis. Been to both places and could very easily go again. Indianapolis crossed my mind today too as I have never been there. I’m not looking to go for anymore than two or three days at the max.

But all that being said, I am looking for any other suggestions. And also while I’m looking forward to driving, I also haven’t ruled out taking a train. I love to travel by train and haven’t done so in quite some time. Plus, it would liven things up………..I could talk to all sorts of people and not be as lonely. However, train is not nearly as reliable and I would have to be back no later than Wednesday evening. So what do you all think or suggest?

For those of you that don’t know, I’ve got a twin brother, Mark. People who know me but don’t know him are always asking me the same question: “is he anything like you?” I’m kind of a goofy guy always doing and saying crazy and goofy stuff. I guess it is fair to say he is kind of goofy too but not the level or extent that I am. But, with regards to our personalities, we do have some attributes in which we are very similar if not exactly alike. Which brings me to last night. We went out with a group of friends to see a band at a casino. We were gathered at the back of the bar area watching the band and having a good time. We were right next to this tiny bar kind of in the walkway but we were clearly not the only people gathered around there; while it was not packed, it wasn’t like there were only a few people standing out there. Well this grumpy, older lady walked by and was rather annoyed at everybody standing there. I’m assuming she was pissed off because she probably lost money but as she slowly moved through the area she said “you know, you guys aren’t even supposed to be standing here”. To which I loudly replied “yeah it’s okay we are all good and we ain’t exactly moving. What, are you upset because you lost?” Either she didn’t hear me (which was probably likely because she was old and the band was loud) or chose to ignore me because she just kept on walking. On a side note, if we weren’t supposed to be standing there then I’m quite certain employees of the casino would have said something. Those of you familiar with casinos know that most casinos run a tight ship when it comes to customers doing things that are improper.

Flash forward to the end of the night. My brother was cashing out and getting back all of 60 cents when he sarcastically screamed “WOOOHOOOO!” just as another rather good looking lady was walking by so she told him to shut up. Mark quickly replied “I wasn’t talking to you, dumbass!” While I probably would not have said the exact same thing, I clearly would have made some sort of smart ass remark as well. I know these stories make us look like a couple of dicks but I swear we……..wait, I guess we kind of are dicks. I mean more mature people would have just let it go.

Earlier in the night though we were discussing a story from our childhood that I had completely forgotten. When we were growing up, my mom was friends with a lady who had a son who was a year older than us but had cerebral palsy. Mark and I were tiny kids (just like we are not big adults) and he was bigger than us. Of course, my mom used to force us to play with him even though we didn’t like him very much because he was kind of a dick and seemed to have some anger problems. Well case in point this one time when wee were about 9 or 10, we were in the backyard playing and I don’t know how it all started but I guess I pissed him off to the point where he started choking me. So Mark looked for anyway to pull him off of me and grabbed him off me  by pinning his arms back behind his back but not intending for us to double team him. So what do I do after I got up, I started punching this now defenseless kid, with cerebral palsy mind you, in the stomach. And what should happen at that very moment but his dad looking out back to catch us doing this to his son. Obviously he was pissed even though it wasn’t quite what it looked like. I mean it looked like two kids double teaming a kid with cerebral palsy but it wasn’t. After all the kid with cerebral palsy was beating me up…………..ohhh fuck there is just no way for me to look even remotely good here so I’m just gonna stop. Funny fucking story though.

Election Day/night could not be anymore different for me than it was four years ago. Back then, I was one of the lucky people to be in Grant Park when Barack Obama was elected president. You can read all about that night by going back to my post from Wednesday November 5, 2008. This year though I was not lucky enough to be at Obama headquarters in Chicago’s McCormick Place. I was going to have to watch the results of what promised to be a very close election from the comfort of my non historic home.

I was planning on getting to work early to work overtime. So I set my alarm for the ugly hour of 5:40 in the A.M., early enough to account for a line at the polling place. The line wound up being non existent and for the most part, I was in and out. I got out of work right at 6:15 that evening and headed straight home. My plan was to watch the Chicago Bulls game and periodically check in on the election mainly on CNN but also across various networks. I like to contrast and compare the coverage between the different networks, especially the extremely conservative FOX News and the ultra liberal MSNBC. I tend to watch CNN more because they are only biased for themselves, always bragging about how great they are. So here is how the night unwound for me:

• Started watching CNN right about 7:00, so far Romney had an early lead. The Bulls were taking on the surprising Orlando Magic in Chicago, so I put that on shortly thereafter. Things started off rough for the Bulls, it seemed like they were going to be in for a long tough night as well.
• Midway through the first quarter, I turned the election coverage back on. Obama had a slight lead in the electoral votes while Romney was ahead in the popular vote. CNN was busy dreaming up all sorts of different scenarios while playing with their fancy technology so I clicked on FOX News. Boy, it is amazing how biased they are. Karl Rove was already mentioning how hard it was going to be for Obama to actually win the election and how even if he somehow managed to win, it would mean nothing because he wouldn’t have won the popular vote. I clicked on MSNBC which was yammering on about how tough it would be for Romney to win.
• Now it’s about eight and the Bulls are struggling; they are looking lethargic and like they just don’t want to be there. Meanwhile, various networks had various totals as to who was winning the electoral vote, however they all had Obama losing the popular vote. On FOX, Karl Rove was busy pronouncing the death kneel for the Democratic party in America while at the exact same time on MSNBC, they were pronouncing the Republican party dead.
• After halftime, midway through the third quarter, the Bulls were starting to heat up a bit as was the election. It seemed like the more results they showed, the closer the election got. Obama and Romney appeared to be within a point of each other in just about every state, especially the two important states of Ohio and Florida.
• It’s now after nine and the Bulls start to really lay it on. Meanwhile, votes were coming harder and harder to come by for Mitt Romney. In fact, FOX had called Ohio for Obama which nearly made Rove pass right the fuck out. He than spent the better part of at least five minutes not only in a staunch state of denial, but also insisting that they not call Ohio yet until more of the votes were counted. Funny. 12 years ago when he was working for George W Bush he wanted them to stop counting votes in Florida when his guy was winning and now he wants to keep counting and counting and counting.
• As it got closer to 10, it was starting to look like an Obama victory was inevitable. I watched the Daily Show and during one of the commercial breaks, clicked on the other networks to find out that Obama had won. Meanwhile, somewhere in the FOX studio Karl Rove probably ran around frantically looking under tables and chairs for Romney votes while sobbing uncontrollably.
• Knowing what happened in 2000, I wasn’t going to stop watching until both candidates had spoken. On we went though until almost midnight when Romney finally gave his brief, yet gracious concession speech. I can’t blame the guy for waiting; shit after all he was running for president for five years and spent so much time and money that he owed it to himself and his campaign workers to be certain that he lost.
• Finally at about 12:40 A.M. central time, Obama came out and gave a victory speech. At this point, I had been up for over 18 hours and should have probably been tired or ready to fall asleep but for some reason I was wide awake.

So that was my election night. Well not MY election, but how I spent election night. Finally another election has come and gone and it only took two years to pick a winner.

As I write this, we are just hours away from the big day. Yes that’s right it is finally here. Ohhhh, can you feel the excitement in the air. Everybody is pumped. Tomorrow is it. Tomorrow is finally the day when coverage of the 2016 campaign starts! Just like the Super Bowl pregame show, coverage of the elections starts earlier and earlier and earlier. After all didn’t the 2013 Super Bowl pregame show start right around Valentine’s Day this year? I’m convinced that win or lose Mitt Romney is just going to keep campaigning. Shit, the guy has literally been running for president for five fucking years like it is his job. The man is probably conditioned to running. If he wins, he will just continue to run this time for reelection and if he loses, well I don’t know anybody who actually believes him when he says he will not run again if he doesn’t win.

While every single election is pretty damn important, the presidential elections are always vitally important and this one is no different. Some of you are like me and live in a state where your presidential vote will not make a difference. Others live in swing states like Wisconsin or the vitally important Ohio and lucky you, your vote can possibly end up having a big influence on who wins. It is important to remember though that no matter what state you live, there is more to the election than just president. There are plenty of other offices to vote for; plenty that your vote will matter. I live in Illinois, so that means I can vote as many times as I want. I’m going to vote before work, on my lunch, and again after work. And because both of my parents are dead, I get to vote for them as well!

I can sit there and beg you to vote for the candidates I’m supporting but honestly, whether it’s on t.v., radio, the internet, billboards, signs, or mailers, the one thing all of us can agree on is that we have had our fill of people begging you to vote for them. In addition, at this point there is nothing I can possibly say that is going to influence you one way or another. While I certainly have very strong opinions, it is not about me getting you to vote one way or another. It is about you getting out and voting. No matter how you vote or who you vote for the important part is to get out, participate in the democratic process and have an impact and influence on your country, your state, and your community. Look, we have very little say in so much of what goes on. This is one area that we can have a say and can have an influence.

I know we are all sick of campaigns and politics. And I know there is probably nothing in this world as frustrating as politics. Many people have given up on caring. Many have grown apathetic to the cause of politics. Many people have said “fuck them, they don’t care about me so I’m not going to care about them.” Many have said “it doesn’t matter, they are all corrupt anyway”. Many people believe their vote doesn’t matter. And while all of the above arguments can be strongly made, please consider this. First of all, as frustrated as I get, politics are just too important not to follow and not to care. Voting is something that we take for granted in this country. For you females, if this were 100 years ago, you would not be voting in this election. You had to fight for your right to vote and finally got it. The same can be said of many minorities. Also think about other countries. In some countries, there are no elections or voting; it is a dictatorship and they don’t have the option to vote for or against anybody. There are people who are literally dying for the right to vote. There are people who are risking everything just to attempt to vote. While the process here is never-ending, sometimes pointless, and always frustrating, we at least have the option. We have the freedom to stand up and be counted. If you decide not to vote you are essentially taking away that precious right from yourself. Exercise that right. Get out and make a difference.

Is there is bigger pompous ass in America today than Donald Trump? Seriously, I can’t think of another person who is a bigger blowhard. It is not bad enough that he is a self centered, narcissistic jackass who never stops talking about himself but he also has to be rich and everywhere. And I swear I’ve never met somebody who actually likes him. Honestly, outside of Trump himself, have you ever heard somebody say “oh, I’m a huge Donald Trump fan”? Trump is famously a huge Republican but even other huge Republicans do not like him. Some people might find him smart or think he is a good businessman but do those same people also like him? Not likely. And I know that a lot of people watch his show but hell a lot of people watch a whole hell of a lot of shit on tv, that doesn’t mean they actually like the people who star in the show. And although I have never seen his show, I am kind of guilty of the same thing; I do watch him every time he is on Letterman but that is only because I’m a huge Letterman fan and I love how Letterman is a dick to him, especially since he deserves it so so so so so SO much.

Of course Trump’s latest stunt is claiming that he had something HUGE that would change the course of the election. And then when he finally said what it was, of course it turned out to be nothing. But that is typical of him. Just do anything to make people pay attention to him because he is do desperate for any sort of media attention that he will look like an ass regardless of what he is doing as long as people pay attention to him. Oh, I’m just so glad he decided not to run for president. Could you imagine if somehow he had actually won? Man you think he was an egomaniac now just imagine how bad he would be if he were actually president. All presidents are arrogant and have big egos but Trump, well his ego and narcissism is on it’s own level.

If only there was a way to make him go away. You know, like remote island that housed all of the world’s biggest narcissists like Trump, Newt Gingrich, Rod Blagojevich, LeBron James and many others. We could put them there with no access or communication to the outside world and just occasionally air drop food to keep them alive. But back to Trump. Can somebody explain to me two things about him. One, just what exactly is his appeal? Why the hell do people pay so much attention to him? Why the fuck is he famous? And what purpose does he serve? It is not like he makes the world a better damn place. I’d hate to say it…………wait than again, no I don’t hate to say it, but he seems pretty damn useless to me. I dunno, maybe the world needs self centered, egotistical, narcissistic, useless people like him to remind us just how much better we are than him. Maybe his purpose is to laugh at him and make us feel better about ourselves.

Abortion. Is there a more controversial topic in America? In all my years of blogging here I don’t think I’ve dedicated an entire post to it or been very vocal about my opinion or where I stand. But, let me just make clear my position. I am pro choice. In this day and age there is no other logical and reasonable belief to have. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the pro life crowd can make a compelling argument with a lot of valid points. But the reality is that making abortion illegal is kind of like when we had prohibition; at this point, the cat is out of the bag, making it illegal is not going to prevent abortions it is just going to make it more dangerous and unsafe. Look, nobody wants to have an abortion. When you get down to it, nobody is “pro abortion.” But, people have freedoms in America and the choice to have an abortion should be between the parents of the fetus and nobody else. How can the government tell you what is the right thing for you to do? They can’t and should not be able to.

In spite of the fact that abortion has been legal for 40 years, it still remains a debate especially when it comes to presidential election years. And this year is no different. One of the big debates about abortion this year is with regards to rape. You have several Republicans out there making some pretty outrageous and honestly, stupid claims about unwanted pregnancies from rape. Since most of you probably know about those statements, I won’t take the time to repeat them. Instead though, I would like to focus on the Republican stance of being against abortion even in the case of rape. Suppose abortion were illegal and a lady got pregnant as a result of being raped. She is forced to keep the child she doesn’t want. First of all, that kid already has many odds stacked against him or her. Republicans claim to be all about family and how each child deserves a mother and a father. But, if a lady is raped and as a result she becomes a single mother, by the Republicans own thinking, the child does not deserve this fate. Furthermore the mother may grow to resent the child for how he/she was conceived and also might not be able to afford to take care of the kid. And because it is rape, the chances of getting child support are pretty much an impossibility. Also, Republicans are staunchly against so called government handouts to the needy. Yet, this position is supposed to be pro life?

But, the question that I have for pro lifers out there is a complicated one that they will probably never have to answer and one I  will never have to answer. When that child gets old enough and finally asks, “where is my dad?” how the hell does the mother answer that? How the fuck is she supposed to tell the child that he/she was the result of a violent crime against her? When that inevitable question is eventually asked, neither the government nor any Republican is responsible for answering that question for the mother. And suppose the mother works up the courage to be forthright and honest with the child and tell the truth, it would nearly be impossible for something like that NOT to fuck the child up mentally. If Republicans and pro lifers are truly “pro life” and care deeply about family values than somebody is going to have to explain to me just how the fuck this is a family value?

I know some on the pro life side would say that the mother does not need to keep the child; that she can give the child up for adoption. While this is technically true, how can you ask the mother to suffer through a nine month pregnancy with the potential of complications (and even the death of the mother in extreme cases), other issues that arise because of pregnancy such as missing time from work,  all because she was raped? In addition, there is the cost of a pregnancy which again would be made more complicated by the Republicans stance against Obamacare. Yet in their eyes this is “gift from God.” Doesn’t sound like a gift at all to me; it sounds more like a punishment.

All things considered though, I still have to believe the biggest issue how do you answer the question from the child “where is my dad?”

Over the summer, my house suffered a unprovoked violent attack by my neighbor’s tree. We had a storm in which we experienced sustained winds of 90 miles an hour. Now now, don’t you go making excuses for the tree; shit it was just a little wind. But nevertheless, a rather large branch from the tree decided that it would be more comfortable if it relocated by briefly landing on my roof long enough to put a two foot hole in it. Later in the summer we had the roof fixed but unfortunately not before mother nature had taken a substantial piss in my attic. This of course, resulted in damage to the ceiling in the room where the hole was. It wasn’t long before a distant cousin of the tree, mold, started to grow on the ceiling. Also, the drywall had become so wet and brittle that part of it broke while THE MAN was fixing the fascia which had also been damage during the storm. So now we had to have it fixed before the mold spreads and starts a whole new civilization in the house.

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a couple of contractors and the insurance company come out and assess the damage. Well today is the day that THE MAN comes out and fixes the thing. They got here fairly early, right about eight in the A.M. So right away I got up and answered the door naked. I think they might have found that a little bit odd; for some reason they seemed taken aback by this. I let them in and offered them an eye opener of a line of cocaine. My mom always said nothing makes people work like a little bit of coke. At least that is what she used to do when she ran a daycare; it really made the kids much much more manageable.

But I digress. Back to the ceiling. I led them down the hall and into the bedroom. This was totally gonna rock! As they stepped into the room, I quickly took a swing at each one of them and managed to knock both of them right the fuck out with one punch. I quickly stole all their money and shaved their heads, after all as I read on a website bald people think much clearer than people with a full head of hair. I used some smelling salts to bring them to and told them to get the fuck to work, I have a ceiling that needs fixin and it sure as hell wasn’t going to fix itself. Shortly thereafter the pounding started. Loud, hard, deep pounding. And the drilling. Holy fucking shit, the drilling. Two men, just pounding and drilling away Oh. It reminded me of last Friday night!

And this is where we stand right now. As I write this, they are hard at work fixin my shit. I’ve learned that they seem to work much quicker and are much more productive if I withhold water and food from them. They should be okay though. I mean, we did A LOT of coke this morning so that should hold them over until at least the early part of the evening.

With that cold hearted bitch Sandy slowly making it’s way away from the east coast, it got me to thinking about different natural disasters and which ones I would rather be in. Or  better yet, which ones I would least like to be in. I mean let’s face it, nobody WANTS to be in a natural disaster. It’s not like when you are a kid you say “mommy, daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be in an an earthquake!” And when you see the victims of natural disasters on tv, they aren’t exactly happy; in fact they are usually understandably downright miserable. And why not? Yesterday their house was standing and family and friends were all alive and well. Today? The house is a pile of rubble and nobody has seen the cat in 15 hours. Of course, I’ve never been in a natural disaster. At least not much worse than a blizzard or a severe thunderstorm. But, here is how I think I would react when it comes to each of the following:

• Tornado- I live in the Midwest, in particular Illinois in the southwest suburbs of Chicago, an area that is no stranger to tornadoes. One of my biggest fears in life is a tornado; in fact for years I have been having reoccurring dreams about a tornado. But should one ever happen, I’m thinking the first thing I would do before taking cover is to piss myself. Then get embarrassed and that is if I were alone. If I were with people? Well I would piss myself, pass out from embarrassment and hope like hell somebody was not repulsed enough to drag me to safety.
• Blizzard- Okay, so technically a blizzard is a natural disaster. But, when you are sitting in your comfy warm home, it is not that big of a deal. And of course, I lived through the major blizzard of February 2011, but how would I react had I been one of those sorry people stuck on Lake Shore Drive? Oh that’s easy. I would have died. I would have gotten out of the car, been so hungry that I licked a metal pole and froze to death.
• Hurricane- See, I think I could be okay with this one. First of all, as you can tell I’m a total fucking pussy. So the first time they said hurricane, while you might want to leave, I would jump right the fuck in my car and speed the hell out of town. And then it’s a road trip and I love road trips. I won’t even get into how I would react if I had stood behind because no fucking way I’m staying.
• Earthquake- Oh, this one sounds like the worst one of them all. Hell I freak out if I’m in an elevator that is a little bouncy. When we hit turbulence on a plane, panic and stick my head in between my legs. If I were walking and the earth started to move? There is not a chance in hell I would not instantly shit myself. And if I were sleeping when it started? Man, that would be the worst, I would wake up and not have a clue what the fuck is happening and therefore would already be in full panic mode. Shit, every night I’m worried I’m going to die in my sleep a damn earthquake ain’t’ exactly going to help things.
• Fire- I’ve always been the type that occasionally plays with matches and lighters. But those are small fires. A major fire? Well that’s a total different story. It’s not like it is smoke that comes from a joint. This is real smoke that burns and kills. Just the mere thought of a flame right now and I’m ready to throw the monitor through the window. In a real fire my chances of survival are about as good as the Cubs chance of winning the World Series.

But, my hat’s off to those people who put their lives on the line to help and rescue people during these horrible disasters. These people are heroes and do things that I could never do.